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Emotional Terrorism

***If your spouse is

or will soon be

deployed::

This post may not be for you.***

***I am a Navy wife and the opinions in this post are solely those coming from my mind at this very moment. They are ideas planted in my head from movies created in Hollywood. They are fears and reflections of the way I view the army as I assume most civilians do. It is not meant to offend anyone, and I apologize in advance if my ignorance does just that.***

Hubs' Mini Medals... I guess we'll be adding some more bling to it soon!

I woke up this morning and headed to my appointment with Dr. J (my life coach… not the basketball Legend). The emotional terrorism began.

Adele came on the radio with “Someone Like You” and I could not get through the first line without losing it. I finally let myself sob openly. I allowed myself to be weak and leak all over the car. I approached Border Patrol that had traffic stopped on the freeway, sure they would stop the sobbing fool driving. they did not.

I pulled myself together long enough to get through my stay in the waiting room. Then I allowed myself to empty half a box of tissues as I openly wept. I’m talking the ugly cry, y’all. I told Dr. J I wanted to be strong for my husband and let him know he was not leaving a basket case behind. I told him I was scared but Army Wives aren’t scared, they are strong and I had to be too. He told me to open up and maybe write about it in my super secret journal… which translates into my super public blog.

I am scared. My husband has never been through the training soldiers have been through. My husband has never had to worry about shooting someone in their face. My husband has never had to worry about being covered from head to toe in sand. Since he has never had to worry, I have never had to worry. I am a Navy Wife. I worry about the sea, and pirates, and how he has to watch the same movies over and over again on repeat on the AFN TV. I am not an Army wife and I do not know how you all do it!

This is my main fear:: As a Navy Wife, I recognize that there are dangers during deployment, but let’s be honest with ourselves girls- there really isn’t. I have talked myself into a corner where my biggest fears during my husbands last two deployments was if he would have enough money to buy awesome souvenirs in Port. As a new [don’t really]wannabe Army wife my biggest fear is that soldiers come home in caskets. Soldiers fight hard and are brave! Soldiers are real heroes. Not to downplay the Navy (remember, I’m one of you!) but we are about to enter a whole new ballgame and I have zero unit support.

I am not one in a group of women going through deployment together. I won’t get the ombudsmen e-mails and weekly reminders that we are all awesome and holding down the home front so beautifully. I will not be coddled they way I was for our last two deployments. I will be all alone and so will my husband. He doesn’t know the people he is going to be with. They have not gotten to know the man who may become one of their battle buddies. He doesn’t know how to dig a fox hole!

I did some shopping to clear my head and prepared to make the most of the remaining time we have together. God has a plan for us, and I must remember that. I then openly wept all the way home. The radio did nothing to help as I wept through “Made In America” (Toby Keith), “God Gave Me You” (Blake Shelton), “I Got You” (Thompson Squared), and a few others. I wept and let my emotions out in the privacy of my own car… and now here in my Super Secret Journal… now if I can muster up the confidence to talk about how I feel with my husband so we can work on being scared together… or so he can reassure me he is secretly Rambo!

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About Elizabeth

Paleo wife on 150lb weightloss journey documenting life, marriage, health & military move to Okinawa! Tough Mudder (Nov '12) and Stella & Dot Stylist!

14 responses »

  1. Hang in there, girl! It’s not easy – every deployment has its challenges. But we make it through.
    And you’re doing a right thing by letting it out, talk/write about your feelings and thoughts. No-one should carry all that alone.
    Tons of hugs to you πŸ™‚

    Reply
  2. If I was an American army wife, I would totally add a supportive ‘hoorah’ or the correct pronunciation for army folks. But I am not so it doesn’t seem right.
    But I AM an Army wife and I say Welcome! I suppose when hubby’s ‘boots are on the ground’ so to speak it is a little different, but God knows your needs and your heart. You are obviously turning to Him and I can’t think of a better way for anyone, of any military unit, to begin pre-deployment. Have you ever read “God Strong”? It’s a great book if you are looking for more inspiration!
    Hang in there, you are in my prayers and from what I ‘know’ about you in blog-land, you have what it takes and the support you need to get through. We all have ugly cries, but it’s about picking yourself up after each one and carrying on. You can do it!

    Reply
  3. Okay, so the deployment is probably going to suck, but they all do to certain degrees. If you send awesome care packages, especially with homemade cookies, your husband will have instant friends. OccDoc didn’t know anyone he deployed with before he left, but homemade cookies are a great icebreaker. And, yeah, you might be technically alone, but you’ll have us; if it worked for me I’m sure it will work for you. And if he’s in medical, well, medical gets taken care of. When OccDoc was deployed everyone told him to never touch a weapon; if someone needed bullets they would just take OccDoc’s bullets because he was never, ever supposed to touch a weapon. Not that he didn’t see action, they just made sure he was in the back (and didn’t touch any weapons). Sorry, lady, it does blow to have him deploy again.

    Reply
  4. I don’t get support when my husband leaves either. He deploys on his own (or with maybe one or two other people). Our command ombudsman is for 1000 people, some of whom are on shore duty, some who deploy to ships, some who deploy with squadrons, and some who deploy to subs. There’s no way for her to know when everyone is coming and going, let alone who all their spouses are! And maybe it’s just because that’s the only thing I’ve known, but it’s not completely terrible. I formed my own support group: milspouses on Twitter going through deployments, friends stationed here whose husbands are gone (though not necessarily with Chris), etc. You’ll find ways to handle it — because you don’t have a choice. It might not be easy, but you’re strong and I have no doubt you can do it! And remember, we’re always here when you need someone to lean on πŸ™‚

    Reply
  5. I know what you’re saying, and I know it has to be so scary. But if it helps, please remember that you are NOT going through it alone. You are going through it with all the bloggy girls, Army and otherwise, who have been through it before. (And some, like us Guard girls, who don’t have much support in “real life”.) Who were scared and hated the deployment and missed their spouse and welcomed him safely home. We’ve got your back, kid!

    Reply
  6. I am SO sorry! You’re right. God absolutely has a plan, but deployments (and the time leading up to deployments) are insanely hard! I was alone for my husband’s deployment, too. Multiple states away from any military support system (and never even one e-mail) and though I lived near family at the time, they were gone most of the time, too (one sister was deployed in Kuwait, one sister was at a missionary training school in Mexico, and my parents were traveling overseas). It was the loneliest time of my life. My life consisted of going to my internship and being home, waiting by my phone/computer for Daniel to call or IM. The first time I missed one of his phone calls, I was in class and had my phone on silent accidentally. When I saw the number on my missed call list, I had a complete meltdown.

    I wish there were more comforting things that I could say to you, but the only thing that ever brought me any comfort at all was knowing that all deployments come to an end. I lived those months out in fear. I absolutely love the Lord, but I still work everyday to trust Him more. Every day that Daniel was gone (sometimes every hour!), I would pray Psalm 91 over him. It made me feel like I was doing something proactive. I also sent a ton of care packages and letters!

    Let it all out. Process through your fear now, so that even though the fear might not be completely gone, you’ll be able to be strong support for your husband (which I know you are right now and will continue to be!). Let yourself feel – angry, sad, afraid, bitter, lonely…just try to deal with the feelings as they come up. I found that the more I stuffed my feelings, the worse I felt and handled things.

    And my husband still doesn’t understand my fear. Or why the deployment was so hard. He was proud to be serving his country and actually enjoyed spending time with Iraqis. You guys may be completely different than us, but I had to have women in my life to listen to my fears and support me. I joined a women’s Bible study, an online message board for Christian military wives, and talked to my girl friends a LOT (even though I didn’t really feel like being out of the house much).

    I’m praying for you and will continue to pray for you and Hubs. I’m so sorry you’re hurting right now. 😦

    Reply
  7. Im not an Army wife, but I am a Marine wife that just came off 2 of my hubs worse deployments to date out of a total of 5!! Some deployments I had a lot of support, this deployment I was the one that seemed to be giving a lot of support, but I have had them with no support. You just do it…it’s hard to be separated from your loved one no matter the danger they find themselves in. You have support in the blogosphere, some of the best support I ever got was from fellow bloggers.

    Reply
  8. Our last deployment I was made a total outsider by the FRG and the ombudsman… apparently I have a big mouth with tons of opinions… who woulda thought…. But you get through it. I’m not looking forward to our next one coming up but I look at is as an opportunity. Sure I’m scared for Buzz and nervous about what may happen while he’s gone, but it’s an incredible opportunity to face my fears head on, realize why I’m feeling the way I am and change myself for the better!! While a blog is great, I think a journal would serve as a great outlet as well. Either way, know you’re not in it alone. You never are!

    Reply
  9. We can be deployment-blog buddies!!! Since you already have my e-mail address feel free to send vent-sessions my way =)

    You can do this… we’re hear to support you (secretly said to hope someone will be there to support me too!)

    Love and Hugs lady!

    Reply
  10. I am so sorry friend that this is happening. We will be praying for you both. If you ever need anything just let us know please.

    Reply
  11. I love Annoyed Wife’s suggestion.. brilliant!

    Though you may not have physical support with you there, I’m going to pretent it’s my job to lift you up through the Internet! I’m also going to share this and encourage others to encourage you along. See, that’s the thing. We’re MILITARY wives and when it comes down to it, it doesn’t matter what branch. We’re here to support each other, no matter what.

    God does have a plan and it’s always better than ours. Lean on Him, trust Him. Remember that He’s a pretty smart guy πŸ™‚

    Reply
  12. I’m not an Army Wife, but I am an Army Mom and I’m facing my son’s first deployment in February/March. The best thing is that I’m a realtor who has worked with Military Families for the past 5 years and I’m going into my son’s deployment knowing that even as a mom, I’ll have amazing support. Especially from the beautiful Army Wife who just posted above me…”Jessica Norton.”

    I think your super secret journal will be such a gift because you’ll find that support will come out of the woodwork. These women are amazing…they’re strong…they’re loving…and they will be there for you…if not physically, then in spirit. Never be afraid to ask for help because it is there for you. Just keep writing!! People will reach out! Keep your faith in God because that will keep you strong!! And know that you are in this mom’s prayers.

    God bless you and may He bring your sweet love safely home to you.

    Reply
  13. We get scared too, you’re not alone. I am halfway through this deployment and I broke down in the middle of traffic yesterday for a good cry. But, you will learn how to not let being scared take over every moment of your life, how to push it back so you can keep on living. And, we will all be here for you in whatever way we can. My blog and the people I’ve “met” through it have been a God send during this deployment. You and your husband are in my prayers. Hugs!

    Reply

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